Hex Does the Blog Thing

Sept 27, 2024: overcompensating

i came out to my massage therapist today, which was kind of interesting. i had prior evidence that she's cool about this stuff, but wasn't entirely sure. i haven't seen her in two months, the last time being before my top surgery due to lying on my front being an issue during the more intense healing stages, and i usually go roughly monthly. i debated whether to tell her at all, since she doesn't see/touch that area, but a] she might see the edges of the scars since they come around to my sides, and b] a friend helpfully pointed out that post-op recovery can do a number on your back muscles for no other reason than you have to sleep upright/reclined for a while.

so i mentioned it, and she politely asked why, and i was like "i'm nonbinary." and she mentioned she'd had a trans client in the past who was so excited he asked if he could show off his scars. which i thought was really sweet. tbh i considered offering but it'd have been more of a "if you want" than a "please look," and anyway i had scar tape over one nipple so i thought that'd be extra weird lol. but she was cool about it and i'm glad it went smoothly.

i've been thinking a lot about Gender TM again. not that i'm ever not, really, but since the surgery i've been "ladies"'d twice by service employees while in a group with femme folks and somehow it rankles more now. like surgery was supposed to be my badge of proof, like the removal of this one femme physical trait i was given at birth meant i should be misgendered less often. as though there was no point to it if it didn't "earn" me something. this is of course untrue; i am happier and feel more like me now. but the thing is, i've been comfortable with my gender for a while now. i'm comfortable among friends who know and respect me and my identity. it's strangers and outside folk i'm trying to "convince," and it's not working.

there are plenty of cis women with flat chests. unfortunately aligning my body more toward neutral does not make me less "she/her" to society at large.

last weekend i went to my mother in law's wedding and i wore a waistcoat and all the men were in suits and all the women were in dresses and i was adjacent to the wedding party (my wife was the maid of honour) and i felt incredibly out of place. and like... sure, maybe that's fitting, since i identify as neither a man or a woman, but if i'd just been in the crowd instead of in the front row i'd have felt less Perceived. i also wore nail polish and women's flats and the front of my hair is long while the back is short and i reckon my glasses are pretty feminine as well. and i'm thinking like, it really feels like i have to overadjust, compensate, lean really hard into the masc side just to "erase" the femme association. but i don't want to be masc. i would love to wear a dress or a suit and still be called they/them.

i feel like this is all really specific ways of circling a very simple thing that a lot of folks feel: i just want people to not assume my gender based on how i dress or accessorize or hold myself or speak. by not assuming one way or the other, they would be more accurate than if they picked a side. and i realize that's not true for many, or most, people, but hell if it isn't true for me, and frankly we'd collectively offend a lot fewer people if we were general until proven specific, instead of the other way around.

i think it's possible, but it's gonna be a long time before we get there.